Bearded Dragons: The Scaly Roommate You Didn’t Know You Needed

So, you’re thinking about getting a bearded dragon. Good call. These little prehistoric

weirdos are basically the lizards of chill — low maintenance (mostly), full of personality,

and they won’t destroy your furniture like a dog with anxiety issues.

Bearded dragons, often lovingly called “beardies,” come from the hot-as-hell deserts of

Australia. They’re built for heat, UVB rays, and sand, but don’t just dump one in a sandbox

under a heat lamp and call it a day. They’re still living creatures, not a Tamagotchi from

1998.

Temperament: Lizard or Lapdog?

You want a reptile that doesn’t actively try to murder you or escape the moment you open

its enclosure? Beardies are your go-to. They’re known for being docile, handleable, and yes

— they’ll even chill on your shoulder like a miniature dragon familiar if you play your cards

right.

Setup: It’s Not Just a Box of Dirt

Before you adopt a beardie, understand this: their setup matters. No, your coffee table

terrarium from 2003 won’t cut it. You’ll need:

- A 40-gallon minimum tank (bigger is better — no one wants to live in a shoebox)

- A basking light (100–110°F on the hot side)

- A UVB bulb (critical for calcium absorption and avoiding metabolic bone disease)

- Proper substrate (no sand unless you’re ready to explain impaction to your vet)

- Thermometers and a hygrometer (if you can’t spell it, just know it measures humidity)

Oh, and while you’re at it, get a smart thermostat or a WiFi timer — this is ReptiTech, after

all. Automate it like a pro.

Diet: Bugs and Salad, Hold the Ranch

Beardies are omnivores. That means they eat:

- Insects: Dubia roaches, crickets, and mealworms — live ones, not freeze-dried jerky

- Greens: Collard, mustard, dandelion (no iceberg lettuce unless you want them to starve

nutritionally)

- Veggies: Squash, bell pepper, sweet potato (shred it or cube it)

Pro tip: Young beardies eat more protein. Adults shift toward salads. You can’t just feed

them one thing forever like a goldfish.

Behavior: Why Is It Staring at Me?

Beardies do weird stuff. They puff their beards. They wave (it’s not a greeting — it’s a

submission thing). They glass surf. Sometimes they just stare at nothing for an hour like

they’re buffering. It’s normal. Don’t panic. Unless it’s gaping its mouth all the time or stops

eating — then it’s vet time.

Wrap It Up

Bearded dragons are awesome pets — part reptile, part potato, part dragon overlord.

They’re perfect for people who want a chill, interactive pet without fur, allergies, or walks at

6am.

Just don’t half-ass it. Get the right setup, automate what you can, feed them right, and maybe

you’ll earn the trust of the lizard that looks like it could’ve flown out of a fantasy novel.